Victim to Survivor:

I was sexually assaulted at the age of 16.  It turned my entire world upside down. I was destroyed, I didn’t know what to do, who to turn to or how I would survive.  I had become a shell of the person I once was, I stopped caring about how I looked, I wore the biggest clothes I could find, stopped leaving my house and isolated myself from everyone and everything.

Time continued to pass but I couldn’t handle it anymore I dropped out of school and ran, left my hometown in search of anonymity and the hopes that I would just forget.  I was a young woman on the run from myself, and the world with no tools, no supports feeling so incredibly alone.

I eventually hit a point where I decided enough was enough, I couldn’t continue to live and feel like this I was worth more, wanted more and was determined to make it happen.  I returned to my hometown enrolled in school and began working with a counsellor to heal from my trauma. My counsellor accepted me, reinforced it was not my fault, validated what I was feeling and helped me to understand I could not change or control other people, but I could control how my trauma affected my life.

I finished school, and my goal is to give back. I want to be able to help others who have been affected by sexual assault. I want survivors to know eventually it will be okay and that it is okay to be angry but most importantly they are not alone and there are supports out there to help them.

I was once a victim but now I am a survivor!

~ Female Sexual Assault Survivor

I am only Accountable for Myself:

My trauma comes from my childhood. I wish I could say that I had a childhood that was healthy but unfortunately that was not the case. In my late teens I began my path to healing, and then again in my 20’s. I was angry, incredibly angry, I felt as though so many pieces of my childhood, my teenage years, and myself were stolen. I spent more than 10 years spinning my wheels, trying to heal, trying to understand what happened to me, trying to find myself and what my purpose was.

After the age of 20 I finally started to find where I fit and what my true healing path would look like. It was hard but I learned as much as I could and practiced as much as I could when it came to meditation, release work, connecting my body and emotions, learning that my voice was the most powerful thing I could use for my healing.

I finally began to understand that the only person I could be accountable for was myself, and how I chose to allow the trauma I experienced to affect me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I learned forgiveness, and that what that really meant was forgiving myself so that I could let go of all the shame, guilt, sadness, and anger I felt so deep in my body and soul.

One of the most profound things I learned was that healing is a journey of layers. To deal with those many layers, you need to find what works best for you and this may mean more than one modality. You must trust in the process, feel all the feelings, allow yourself to be free, allow yourself to find the positives, know and remember your truth. My trauma and my healing have led me to a passion that allows me to give back to others. I used my path to healing to show others what worked for me and what has helped shape me into who I am today. I do not see myself as a victim, what happened to me has helped shape me, helped me find my authentic self, I believe everything happens for a reason.

A few things I would like to share with survivors is believe in yourself, trust the healing process, don’t live in being a victim, allow yourself to persevere and thrive, accept that you may never get the vindication you are looking for from the ones who hurt you, don’t allow those who hurt you to continue having control over you, and finally healing yourself can create a ripple effect that can lead to helping heal others around.

~ Female Sexual Assault Survivor ~

I am Still Working on my Healing:

My trauma history began when I was 4 years old. Throughout the course of my life, I have experienced, sexual violence, domestic violence, parental abuse, neglect, addictions, and human trafficking.

When I was younger, my sole purpose was to be at the disposal and pleasure of others for whatever their needs, wants and desires were. I did not know this was not normal, I did not know it was not okay to be treated this way. It was not until I started socializing with others my age that I realized what I was being subjected to was not okay. I always felt as though I could escape it, I was trapped with no hope and a belief that this was all I was worth.

When I was in my teens, I made the decision to run away. Alone, confused, damaged and yet free I found myself surrounded yet again by people who wanted to abuse me in the same ways I was abused before I left home. Would I ever escape this trauma, would I ever be free of all this violence and trauma?

I do not recall that I was a bad child, or that I caused any issues when I was a child, so I now know what happened to me was very wrong. As I got older, I started to question if I was putting myself in unsafe situations, did I cause what was happening to me as I aged? I still struggle with these thoughts to this day.

The older I got the more complex my trauma seemed; I could never escape violence. Intimate relationships were violent, intimate encounters were forced, necessary and violent. Would I ever be free of the violence and trauma that has surrounded my entire life?

When you experience sexual violence for much of your life you begin to question your worth, and why no one cared enough to protect you, why when people of power got involved, they did not help you. When I turned to addiction to cope and escape my reality, I had confidence, I was less afraid of myself and the world around me, and it allowed me to escape from having to process or deal with all the trauma I experienced.

I am still working on healing; I am continuing to fight to move forward and not give up. I have a meaningful job which allows me to empower other females, I have counsellors that push me (even though I am tough to work with) that have not given up. I have not found myself yet, and I have not realized my worth, but I hope that someday I will be there.

~ Female Survivor ~